Tuesday, 10 March 2015
Scared to live...
"Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily"
Napolean Bonaparte
I have had to set a new account and this is is my first new blog. Where to begin? My health is poor and I have some very bad days whereby I have no energy whatsoever. I saw my consultant this morning and i will have a full body and brain scan in the next couple of weeks. I am not scared I think because of how debilitated i have become. My mood right now is so low that death does not daunt me. Now that is something that I never dreamed that I would say. It takes me back to when I blogged last year about a woman I knew from chemo clinic who chose to stop her chemo with inevitable death around the corner. I said then that I did not judge, but simply that I did not understand, I think that I do now.
No one can fully appreciate the fine line between living and dying until virtually everything that they knew as their life is basically taken away. This, at the moment is my situation. I am not me anymore in any real way. In a way such changes bring great acceptance to alternatives and take away fear. Mother Nature is a clever devil. There is no miracle cure for me and yes chemo may extend my life a little but I have to weigh up whether that life is worth it. These decisions are a good few weeks away, who knows what will have happened in between times .
On the house front, I was rather ambitious and the whole thing has taken its toll on me. Hindsight is such a great thing!
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Hi Miss Graham, it's Natalie from your 'moddies' class about 5 years ago. You know, the one who watched too much Dallas? Do I still call you Miss Graham now that school is over? It still doesn't feel quite right to address you otherwise! I stumbled upon the Herald article from a few months ago about your blog and I've spent all night reading your journey- what an inspiration you are. I wish that I had found it sooner- two years ago I lost my dad after a very long, emotional, and almost surreal battle with terminal illness. Everything you talk about in your blog strikes a chord. I'm blown away by your honesty and bravery in your writing
ReplyDeleteI must mention that as soon as I read the article, I wasn't surprised at all to learn that your blog has been a far-reaching source of inspiration and hope for thousands of people. I know it will continue to be. All I could think was, 'of course this is something Miss Graham would do!' I can't explain it. As a teacher, you were always so sharp, so witty, so fun... Even 3 years later we all still talk about how much you cracked us up. I bumped into Andrew "Dempy" Dempster a while ago and we talked about your finest moments for about an hour! You knew how to put a cheeky student (that includes me...) in their place and your delivery was always brilliant. You were one of the only teachers who I would ever have wanted to have a coffee with once school was done (I say one of because how I forget Mr McDonald!) because you always had something interesting to talk about (and you were always up for a gossip in the IT rooms hehe). I wish we had had that coffee; would have had lots of politics to catch up on what with the referendum and the upcoming presidential elections (remember the days when I fancied Barack Obama? Cringe!) I'm still doing all that politics and history stuff at uni. Got to third year and have not dropped out (I told you I could do it!) Not sure what will come out of it, but I'm hoping to go into academia or at least teach. If I do become a teacher, I hope I can be as much of an inspiration to my students as you were. It was you who inspired me to not be embarrassed by my geeky enthusiasm towards all that 'political stuff' and actually take that interest further. It was also you who told me to get a life and stop watching so many cheesy 80s American dramas but after recently discovering L.A. Law I'm afraid that some things will just never change!
I'm aware that this is a very gushy post but I never got the chance to tell you before that you contributed so much influence in my 'big' decisions. You've clearly left a mark on so many lives in these past few years, and you truly did on mine.
Thank you for absolutely everything,
Natalie xxx
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