The End Of The Journey

If you are  reading this then I have passed  away.  I wrote this in advance as I didn't want to deteriorate rapidly and not have the faculties to leave my final words. Over the years I have read many cancer blogs and always been devastated when they just suddenly stopped. I was clear that I didn't want this to be my end. It is not. I want to say goodbye and want you to know that I died at peace with everything. The best thing that anyone can do now is to use my blog and my memory to help others. That would truly be your honour to me.

Goodnight and God bless

LG

Still here...

We must let go of the life we planned so as to make way for the one which is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell


Well i did say not to be too surprised if another blog appeared and here it is. It has been the weirdest week of my life, and that is saying something. A week ago i was basically told I was about to die from a perforated bowel. I came back to the hospice and basically waited. My pain was put completely under control and i even managed to persuade the doctor for a prescription of a G and T just before bed. And I waited. Well it is 8 days later and here i am blogging, how strange a feeling. I am not entirely sure of what is happening as I am playing head in the sand but I am taking each hour as it comes and trying to relax and enjoy them. There are obviously many other complications and my liver will probably play a big part in what happens next but I thought that I would just keep you updated.

Letting go...

Life is a brief intermission between between birth and death, enjoy it.

M K Soni


I didn't think that i would be writing this nearly as soon but cancer takes no prisoners. After a very restful week in the hospice I went home to the welcome visit of my sister. Despite some intermittent pain i had a nice weekend catching up with some old friends. I had the  scan hanging over me and i admit i was procrastinating over making enquiries. Anyway it didn't matter as by the Tuesday evening i had developed such severe abdominal pains that there was no choice but to be hospitalised, i had never experienced pain like it. After many hours of investigation it was discovered that the cancer had found its way to my liver and had indeed caused a perforation to my bowel which i have been told is inoperable. I was very drugged but I managed to discern the words a couple of days. That was Tuesday its now saturday, hey yet again i have defied the odds. SO I am back in the hospice being very well looked after and i suppose waiting to die. You got me cancer. All i have requested is the finest drugs to help me on my way out and to have people I love around me. I think I'm ready. However just like this whole journey there are no certainties, so don't be too shocked if another little blog pops up. In the meantime thank you to all of you amazing people who supported me through this bloody hard but amazing journey. Love to you all.

Hospice hospitality

I have had many people get in touch theses last few weeks as i haven't been active online. Basically 3 weeks ago i woke up and felt as though I had been hit by a truck. I truly felt awful and ended up in bed permanently. I sunk deeper and deeper into a depression. I didn't take action i just let it go on with no end in sight. We finally phoned out the doctor and things picked up. I got in touch with my hospice nurse and she immediately got me a bed at the hospice. Why did i leave it so long? Denial? Who knows? All I do know is that it was exactly what I needed, absolute care and medication control. After one week i felt much better and dare I say I enjoyed my time in the hospice, the staff truly are amazing. I have learned a valuable lesson, to ask for the necessary help, I realise I am not so good at that. So while my health remains poor I am a lot better. Everything is relative after all.

I also had my scan this week so it is that time again awaiting results. I have no idea what will show but judging by new pains i am a bit concerned that it is now in my bones. However until I have the results there really is no point in projecting, we will deal with whatever may be when the time comes. In the meantime  I just have to live in the day, hamster cheeks and all and next time I need the support of the hospice I won't hesitate to ask.

Mothering Sunday

Motherhood: All love begins and ends there.

Robert Browning

And so mothers day has come around and it is my first one without my mum and if the predictions are to be be believed, my last one as a mum. How does this feel?

Looking firstly at the loss of my own mum, I have to say that my approach is very much that the glass is half full today. The thought of having to watch my own mother witness the changes in me would just be too much. The day that I was given the devastating news of my brain tumours, was the day that I essentially stopped grieving deeply for the wonderful Janet. For 3 years she had watched helplessly as i went through my cancer battle and I know for sure that all of it had a deeper impact upon her than it did me. Thats the thing about being a mum. It really is a double edged sword. Our children bring us joy (sometimes) and yet only they have the capacity to break our hearts like no other. It does not matter the age of the child the mother will still suffer when the child does. This was my mothers experience and it took its toll. I often tried to protect her from bad news at appointments, but she was no fool and I know that she armed herself with all of the facts. It was unspoken but i am confident that my mum believed that my death would not be too far away. When i asked her in the hospice why she had not attended to her own cancer sooner her answer was that she did not want to be saved as in her words "I refuse to inhabit a world without you in it". A Mothers love indeed. Therefore today I can toast my mum without too much pain because she is at peace and and i have all of my wonderful memories of her, whilst knowing that she didn't have to live with memories of a daughter who suffered.

Another poignant point of course is this, according to statistics, this will be my last mothers day. Now I am by no means sitting here entrenched in this belief as none of us know and until my scan results I have no idea what my future holds. However, being realistic there is a fair chance that I won't be here and so today I will make the most of it. Thats what we should all do after all. When i woke up this morning I choose to see today as a positive. So far it's working. Happy Mothers Day.

The power of people...

Faith in good people can carry you even in the hardest journey.

Lesley Graham




My blog encouraged quite a lot of you to get in touch with me yesterday and i am very grateful for that. And so last night I had a bit of insight as to why my mood has been so low (apart from the obvious)

As we know my life has been topsy turvey these last 2 months and it really has taken everything from me moving house. However the main problem is having been let down badly by people whom I had considered friends. The actual practicalities of the house renovation and all of the stuff that goes with it were not my undoing...people were.

For the first time in my journey I have had to recognise that not all can be trusted to do the right thing even in dire situations. Well lesson learned but I can't and won't let it beat me its just the way of it and I have enough battles to fight. Many messages last night showed me the good in people again and i am going to hold on to that. I have set myself 2 tasks for today nothing too strenuous but i need the focus.

Scared to live...

"Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily"

Napolean Bonaparte


I have had to set a new account and this is is my first new blog. Where to begin? My health is poor and I have some very bad days whereby I have no energy whatsoever. I saw my consultant this morning and i will have a full body and brain scan in the next couple of weeks. I am not scared I think because of how debilitated i have become. My mood right now is so low that death does not daunt me. Now that is something that I never dreamed that I would say. It takes me back to when I blogged last year about a woman I knew from chemo clinic who chose to stop her chemo with inevitable death around the corner. I said then that I did not judge, but simply that I did not understand, I think that I do now.

No one can fully appreciate the fine line between living and dying until virtually everything that they knew as their life is basically taken away. This, at the moment is my situation. I am not me anymore in any real way. In a way such changes bring great acceptance to alternatives and take away fear. Mother Nature is a clever devil. There is no miracle cure for me and yes chemo may extend my life a little but I have to weigh up whether that life is worth it. These decisions are a good few weeks away, who knows what will have happened in between times .

On the house front, I was rather ambitious and the whole thing has taken its toll on me. Hindsight is such a great thing!